Ten

Diez, Dime, Hamilton, X, a decade…

Back to that in a second.

First, Happy New Year to everyone from Droppin.com.

Second, you may be asking yourself why I posted a picture of me in my old Reality Rap-Up days.  Well it may come as a shocker to some, including myself, but a little research I recently did revealed that 2012 is a very special year for us at Droppin.com because it marks 10 years of Droppin on the internet.

Thats right, back in 2002 two young intrepid brothers set out to revolutionize the interwebz with their own unique take on pop culture, sports and…and…well we haven’t exactly set the world on fire but we are still here baby and we’ll keep plugging along for another 10…at least!

So are you a true Droppin fan?  Here are a few obscure facts about our last ten years:

-The site has been through 4 major redesigns over the years starting off as a convoluted Frontpage designed nightmare to update and moving over to the current blogish WordPress format back in 2006…wow we have been on WordPress for 5 years…hear that Showtime?   Sounds like we are overdue for another major redesign, 5 years is way too long!

– When the site started we had a section of the website reserved for our favorites.  To give a bit of perspective Showtime listed his favorite “current” football player as Jerry Rice, TV show as Friends and movie as Monsters Inc.  I more embarrassingly listed my favorite current football player as Drew Bledsoe…YIKES!  Oh wait in 2002 he had hooked himself up to the Juvi machine for the Cowboys and was winning me fantasy football games that he had no business being a part of…

– The original site focused on 5 major subjects; Sports, Entertainment, Video Games, Business and the broadly titled “Life”…almost like the USA today!

– Some other names originally considered for the site included, CrackinWise and the immortal “Jump Shoots the Gift”…okay maybe more as jokes but they were still under discussion…I’m guessing Jumpshootsthegift.com might still be available.

– While the artwork gracing the site has trailed off over the years all of our classic imagery (See above) was designed by Showtime himself, I suppose that was back when he had free time.

– We were originally considering naming our video game section “Gaming Bros” considering that Showtime and myself are in fact brothers…however when you read “Gaming Bros” out loud it sounds like an entirely different site all together.

-Some of the most popular topics that drove hits and discussion back in the day…New Edition reunion with Puffy, anything Madden, Will Ferrel’s dad and naked Jeff Probst!  (more hits baby!)

-Showtime used to write a “daily” article called food for thought that recapped what we talked about and ate for lunch every day.  After the tomato soup hot dogs though I think he realized he couldn’t top it and put it on hiatus.  I’d love to see this one come back but sadly we never see each other or talk anymore…

-This one isn’t really a part of the site but Showtime or myself have won every Fantasy Football or Basketball league we have participated in since 2002…can’t be a coincidence.  Maybe we should dust off that Fantasy Sports column eh Fantasy Coach?

-My favorite acronym of all time…S.I.T.T.S.I.F.!

Anywho, over the upcoming weeks and months Showtime and I might try to dust off some of our old favorites for a retro look back at how far we have come over the years.  I know you can be sure to be on the lookout for some retro Reality Rap-Ups from me…it would be a shame for me to not rehash all that good Survivor bashing one more time.  If anyone can beat a joke into the ground again after 10 years its me baby!

Shoe-biz, Kobe style

Okay so we’ve got a few new colorways of the Kobe VII to show you today.  If you don’t know one of the design themes behind the Kobe VII was predatory animals, not only the black mamba that is his namesake but also animals that represent speed and power, namely a shark and a cheetah.

So its only fitting I suppose that there is going to be a “predator pack” featuring colorways inspired by various animals.

First up we have the wolf, which I can only assume was added due to the popularity of the “wolf grey” color schemes over the years:


Nike-Zoom-Kobe-VII-Wolf-1

I don’t really know what the orange swoosh has to due with the Wolf theme on this one but its a striking colorway nevertheless.

Next up its the “Shark”:


nike-zoom-kobe-vii-sharkI guess not wanting to have more than one grey colorway in this pack the “Shark” focuses on the water aspects of the ocean with a nice looking gradient on the upper that shows the potential for future colorways on this design.

Last, and possibly least if you aren’t colorblind, its the cheetah, which bears no resemblance to a cheetah whatsoever.  You have been warned…

No really you might want to look away if your squeamish at all…


Kobe-7-Cheetah-richkidsbrand

Sure to go down in history with the likes of the Kobe V Chaos and the Kobe VI Grinches, its the Joker inspired Cheetahs.  Why this has a Cheetah print on it I have no clue.  Perhaps they are making shoes for…PIMP DADDY DESTRO!!!


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The Florida Marlins…err Miami…err say what now?!?!

(Editors Note – Showtime must be doing some funky retro posting, I just saw he stole my thunder on this with a post on the 12th only I’m fairly sure that post wasn’t there an hour ago…maybe its just the cold medicine.  Sorry for the double news!  Never had to say that on Droppin.com before…)

I just stumbled upon the news that the Florida Marlins are getting a new ballpark in 2012 and to commemorate the move they are committing to the city of Miami and  re-branding themselves as the Miami Marlins…

Oh and with that re-branding comes…

Thats right folks, new colors, logos, jerseys, hats…the whole shebang…


miami_marlins_uniforms_all

Well first off, I don’t think this is going to help with the stereotype regarding drugs and Miami because you would have to be coked out of your mind to come up with that color scheme.  Yes the palate is a little hard on the eyes for sure but I get it.  You want to catch some of that delightful “art deco” Miami style that isn’t at all cliched and it helps capture all the  Dolphin fans.  Hey anytime you can work an orange jersey and hat into your wardrobe you gotta jump on that right?  I just hope its not to late to bust in some orange pants for the worlds first ORANGE OUT!!!

Here is a little buzz speak from the firm that handled the redesign:

“The new primary mark features a sleek, iconic marlin image swirling around an art-deco influenced M – a symbol for both the city name as well as its nickname. A new color palette has been selected with input from season ticket holders and fans of the team. The teal has been replaced with the colors of Miami – Ocean Blue, Sun Yellow and Red-Orange.

A distinguishing feature of the new uniform presentation is presence the word MIAMI arching across the front of both the white home and light gray road uniforms. This is the first time in modern Major League Baseball history that the city name appears on the front of a home jersey and illustrates the franchises commitment to it’s new city and “The Gateway to the Americas”.”

So the Florida Marlins season tickets holders, all 12 of them, voted for these “colors of Miami”?  That’s a little hard to believe.  Not only that but they have to put Miami on the home jerseys so everyone doesn’t forget where they are at.  Thats to be expected though, what with the run at every free agent on the market the Marlins are going for this off season, they are bound to forget where they are playing.

But fear not loyal Miami sports fan…our transition isn’t stopping here.  The new stadium will feature awesome things like:

A retractable roof…

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Sweet, sweet fishtanks (yes 2x the sweet) behind home plate so little Jimmy with the front row seats has something to do during those long boring MLB games…

Oh and when one of your Miami Marlins goes yard in the new park…THIS HAPPENS!!!!


marlins

AHHHHH MYY EYEEEEEEEESS!!!!!

MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!!!

But it can’t stop, it won’t stop…it is the 2012 Miami Marlins baybee!!!

Hey anytime you can combine the glitz and glamor of Vegas with the pageantry of Sea World at an MLB game…well full steam ahead sez I!  Add it all up and I think I finally understand what Will Smith was rapping about!

(sorry I realize I probably should have warned you before you scrolled down to that image and truly apologize for any damage it did however if I had warned you I think it would have lost its epicness don’t you agree?)

On a side note at least they had the balls to go through with a full re-branding…unlike a certain horrible NBA franchise in Utah who thought it was a good idea to dust off old logos and do a horrible palate swap to try and capitalize on a hot selling alternate jersey…

(Oh and one last thing, I dare somebody…anybody (you hear me crispy creamers?) to re-brand the Miami Heat with these colors so that every Miami sports team will feature Orange and Blue.  Those are the colors of Miami after all!)

Kobe VII

Alright, this news is a few days old now but with work and family I’ve been unable to post it until now. Behold the official Kobe VII:

Thanks, as always, goes out to marqueesole for the fantastic photography of the shoe.  What we are looking at is the “inline” colorway of the Kobe VII Supreme.  Supreme you ask?  Yes well as seems to be the standard with signature shoes these days the Kobe VII will hit in three versions at three different price points.  The first to hit, on December 23, will be the Supreme version in Black/White/Del Sol colorway.  From what I have gathered “Supreme” in this case refers to the removable ankle bootie.  It features some “pro combat-esque” padding and wraps around the bottom of the insole to ensure it stays in place.  That of course also means that the insole is removable. The shoe will retail for the steep price of $180 but promises to attempt to combine the perfect world of low top/ankle support.  We shall see.

The second version will be the base version, without inner bootie from what I hear which is good because the Supreme cannot be worn without it.  It will retail for $140 and no pics have been released to the wild as of yet.  The first colorways of this model will hit in February 2012.

Last will be the “Elite”.  Little is know about the Elites other then the fact that they retail for $200 so Elite may just mean more money.  The first Elite’s will hit in April 2012.


Air Jordan 2011 Nike ID

is here!  If you’re into that whole pay $50 more for an already expensive pair of shoes thing it should be noted that the Air Jordan 2011 has hit Nike ID this week.  For just $205 you too can have your very own customized Jordan signature shoe!  Personally I just like to play around with the designer.  Of course everybody and their mother has already come up with the standard “bred”, “Concord”, Bulls and Carolina themed colors.  Here are a few I’ve come up with that go off the beaten path a bit:


Create your own custom designs at NIKEid and be sure to share your best designs with us in the comments below.  The best design won’t win a prize or anything but I’ll be sure to give you a virtual pat on the back!

As crazy as an early 90’s GI Joe figure pt 4

Welcome back to part 4 of our 5 part series looking at the insanity that ruled Hasbro and the GI Joe line in the early 90’s. The insanity that would eventually lead to the lines doom.

Be sure to check out the article that kicked this all off as we looked back at the Wussiest GI Joe/Cobra figures and then part 1, part 2 and part 3 of our crazy Joe saga.

In 1993 they crossed the line from crazy to “yeah this completely changes the focus of the whole concept of GI Joe and will in retrospect be really stupid” as they released 90 (90!?!?) figures in what could only be described as the ultimate throw crap at the wall and see what sticks maneuver.

There was too much crazy and too much crap in 1993 to possibly capture it all in just 6 figures…but you know me. I’ll do my best!

Colonel Courage

In 1982 Hasbro released GI Joe on an unsuspecting public. Two years later in 1984 a brave soul at Hasbro decided that the Cobra’s and Joe’s were not enough so they gave us the Dreadnoks. We would have to wait three more years for the first official “sub line“ to appear with the craptastic (and crazy front runners) Battle Force 2000!!! a team so horrible they probably deserve their own article someday. I assume that Battle Force 2000 was actually successful because they proceeded with another sub line in 1988 but not just any sub line, it was the awesome Tiger Force. What was really awesome about Tiger Force? It was an entire line of repainted figures and vehicles, aka pure profit. And so the sub line was upon us. Tiger Force gave way to Night Force, Python Patrol, Slaughter’s Marauders, Sky Patrol, Sonic Fighters, Eco-Warriors, Super Sonic Fighters, Talking Battle Commanders, Air Commandos, DEF and Ninja Force prior to 1993.

To quote Bill Cosby, “I told you that story so I could tell you this one.”

After years of the scorched earth sub-line policy Hasbro took the bold step of making the base 1993 line a sub line. Of course in true Hasbro fashion they went completely overboard and gave us 36 (THIRTY FREAKING SIX!?!?!) figures as part of the “Battle Corps”! As near as I can tell Battle Corps roughly translates to “Massive Quantities of Weapons” judging from the sheer number of accessories most of these figures came with. Exhibit 1, check out our first crazy entry for 1993, the absurd admiral of alliteration, Colonel Courage above who comes with 6 count them 6 different weapons and that’s just what was included in the picture. He also came with the standard golden, spring loaded cannon.

I don’t know about you, but when I look at Sergeant Silly I see two arms not 6. I’m not sure how Private Preposterous is packing two rifles, two pistols, and two massive machetes the size of his legs when his figure is already molded with two holstered pistols, a third knife and a hand-grenade. By my count that’s 11 different weapons. Lieutenant Ludicrous indeed!

And then there is this quote from his file card. “I’ll never surrender when wearing a tie ’cause I can’t be beat when I’m neat!” Ummm holy crap that’s crazy.

But there is more then just an illogical amount of weaponry and a bizarre sense of neat at play here. I hate to bring race into the equation but…well…I’ll let the picture do the talking…

Has anyone ever pointed out that that Colonel Courage is actually black Duke?

Lets look at the evidence…green helmet, tan shirt, green pants, brown boots…they are wearing the exact same uniform, its not just me right?

Colonel Courage or Colonel Crazy? (or Corporal Campy?…General Goofy?… First Sergeant Foolish?…Warrant Officer Wacky?…Major Moron?…ummmm I’m obviously out of awesome alliterations)

I need to explain something before I reveal the next entrants into the crazy list for 1993. You see even though the 1993 base line was a sub line as mentioned above that didn’t mean that Hasbro could resist giving us sub sub lines.  As I’ll be pointing out with our remaining 1993 crazy list, the 93 sub lines were a special breed of crazy.  Case in point, the Mega Marines.  The premise itself was pretty crazy.  Take one GI Joe figure, add 1 plastic armor mold and 1 jar of play doh and you have a MEGA MARINE with bio-armor!  But thats not the crazy part…I give you…

Bio Viper

&

Monstro Viper

The Mega Monsters…ummm…errr….I don’t even know what to say here…you looked at those pictures right?  These are so crazy I don’t even know what the freak to say about them… I mean its almost like they took figures from a completely different toy line, and decided to try to pass freaky monsters off as part of the GI Joe line.  And the GI Joe line was so bat crap insane by 1993 that we hardly even blinked an eye!!!

AND THEY FEATURE “MONSTER SMELL” aka STINKY PLASTIC!!!   AND THAT WAS A FEATURE!!!  IT SAYS SO RIGHT ON THE CARD!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Okay I need to get off of this one before I lose it…

But it gets worse with our next entry…

Zartan

By the time 1993 rolled around we knew a couple of things about the GI Joe line. 1. The designers were high and 2. Kids wanted freaking ninjas to be part of the military.

Enter 1992’s Ninja Force.  Over the years they rolled out 3 versions of Storm Shadow…and 5 versions of Snake Eyes…and after using each in Ninja Force they utilized every random sounding ninja name they could think of (you remember, Dojo, Nunchuk, Slice, Dice, Banzai, T’Jbang and T’gin-Zu?).  Then they decided they needed to start pulling back previous characters with remote martial arts ties like Bushido, Scarlett and Zartan…

Yeah Zartan.  You see Zartan had a minor martial arts background in the comic book line at this point so I suppose it sorta made sense but I don’t think his previous figure or the cartoon had any mention of this background so his inclusion in Ninja Force was a bit of a surprise (I suppose Firefly and Quick Kick were unavailable…).  What was really a surprise?

How about the Master of Disguise joining the stealthy Ninja Force line and…changing his look to a bright red mohawk (a “Shuriken-shaved mohawk according to his neon pink filecard), red facepaint and neon green pants…. so let me get this straight…he joins Ninja Force and changes his look to that of a biker from Joel Shumaker’s Batman movies…does this make sense to anyone?  Worst…character….makeover…EVER!!!

Being re-branded as a Ninja…that’s crazy.

The resulting character being now compared to a neon biker from Batman Forever…that’s insane.

Robo Joe

So if we have learned anything by now its that Hasbro liked the following features in their sublines: re-used molds/characters, neon colors and gimmicky features. The majority of “Star Brigade” hit all three and all are equal parts crazy (see Duke, Rock N Roll, Heavy Duty & Destro) as they were reimagined with “Robotic Battle Armor” that somehow was necessary for space combat.

Robo-Joe here was the king of the crazy Space Brigade though because in character, he invented the Robotic Battle Armor before being attacked by Destro and fatally wounded.  Then in Darth Vader fashion GI Joe scientists pulled a mindbender and  rebuilt him…I suppose because they had the technology…

Although now that I think of it, as half man/half robot I suppose he didn’t actually die and therefore he wasn’t “fatally” wounded so his whole origin story is garbage, but I guess thats a formality.  I do however wonder which twisted Joe scientist decided to paint his new cyborg body, the body he would be stuck with forever and not climbing in and out of like the rest of the team, neon orange with neon orange speckles on black highlights…poor sap never had a chance…

General Hawk

I know what you are thinking and yes, THAT is General Hawk.

General Hawk fits right in with Robo Joe and the Star Brigade on the crazy scale but I’m giving him his own spot on the list because A – he looks totally awfull, B- Its Hawk, the leader of the Joe team in a freaking robot suit and C – he used the suit to pilot the oh so creatively named “GI Joe Armor Bot” pictured below.

I’m going to have to do a whole seperate series of articles on the awesomeness and awfulness that is the GI Joe vehicles but I’m highlighting Armor Bot here because hes a robot whose feet were connected, essentially meaning that he couldn’t move making him completely worthless.  Sounds pretty freaking crazy to me.

Name Your Own Cobra

In 1987 Hasbro started placing ads in the backs of random comic books that promised that “Now, you can be the next Joe!”.  Like any impressionable 10 year old who was obsessed with GI Joe I knew I could be the best Joe of all and so I used to spend hours reviewing the application, carefully selecting my choices.  I don’t remember what my code name was but being a fan of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow I’m sure it was something like Thunder Eyes but I do remember the rest of my choices, allow me to indulge my inner 10 year old for a minute:

  • I characterized myself as “A loner, You value getting the job done over all else.”
  • I was at my best “In the head of action. You have a supremely high energy level.”
  • Team members considered me to be “A maverick, No one can keep up with you for long.”
  • Service branch was the Army.
  • Primary Military Specialty was “Martial Arts”
  • Secondary Specialty was “Counter-Espionage”
  • I was an expert with the XM-76 Grenade launcher and all NATO & Warsaw pact small arms (but I never knew what that was, just sounded cool)
  • My martial arts expertise was Jujitsu and Zen Sword
  • And lastly my school training was Special Forces, Ranger School and Airborne School.

Yes I was going to be the worlds greatest Joe…for just 7.50 and two flag points. Unfortunately for me, in 1987 7.50 could nearly get me three GI Joe figures if I found them on sale (I still have some old cards with 1.99 and 2.99 sale stickers on them. How does anyone pay $8 or $9 for GI Joes today?) so I never bought my Steel Brigade figure. Its probably for the best, he looked like a tool anyway…

Flash forward to 1993. Hasbro decided that it was time to give the demented, twisted little kids an opportunity to join up with the enemy with the less successful “Create A Cobra” offer. The result, was one of the more hideous looking figures in Cobra history. What little kid wanted to be a neon pink viper knock off?

You know whats so crazy about this figure? The fact that Hasbro thought they could sell him that’s what!

So we’ve seen the craziest that 1993 has to offer with representations from Battle Corps, Mega Marines, Ninja Force, Star Brigade and a ridiculous mail in figure. But the most ridiculous thing about 1993?

Three words…or two words and a roman numeral…

Street Fighter II

For those who don’t remember, Street Fighter II ruled the arcades in 1991 and by 1993 sales of Street Fighter II exceeded $1.5 billion and the SNES port (which if I remember correctly was the reason my older brother bought a SNES) is the best selling Capcom game of all time. So with such a hot property it was only natural that there would be toys and Hasbro bought the toy rights.

So they did the only logical thing they could do…and rushed the Street Fighter II toys to market by mostly reusing molds from the GI Joe line…and for crazy reasons that I can only dream of understanding, they branded the figures as part of the GI Joe line.

For the most part the figures featured reused bodies/arms/legs with unique heads and the results were as terrible as you can imagine. What was odd was that a handful of the figures were completely unique…Dhalsim, Sagat (Sagat freaking needed his own mold? Really?) and…

Edmund Honda

The whole line was completely insane but E Honda was also financially insane because they decided to invest in unique molds for his entire body that wouldn’t be able to be reused on anything else and because like the rest of the Street Fighter figures, the master of the 1,000 slaps and sumo wrestling came equipped with a variety of knives and swords…

Yeah…that’s all pretty frickin crazy…

Well its come to this next up we finally wrap up the crazy GI Joe saga with the 94 line that was so crazy, it killed off the line for good…or was it secretly really good but too late to save it after the damage done in 93? Keep an eye on Droppin to find out…

As crazy as an early 90’s GI Joe figure pt 3…

Okay I know what you are going to say.  What was once promised as a 5 part in 5 day series has now turned into a month long saga with more delays and gaps then the Game of Thrones series.  What can I say, the crazy quotient of the early 90’s GI Joe line had such an impact on me that I needed to take a week long vacation to get away from it all.  But I’m back!

If you haven’t had a chance (and if you dare) click here to take a look at the 6 craziest muthers from the 1990 line and click here to keep continue the crazy saga through the 1991 line…

Now behold…I give you the six craziest GI Joe/Cobra figures of 1992!

(just a reminder…these are not in order of sanest to craziest although the top of this years list is definitely so “Super Crazy” that he could be a late 90’s WCW Cruiserweight wrestler…)

Flak-Viper

Somehow after the awesome 91 line the GI Joe line didn’t come to a screeching halt and pressed on for 1992. But somehow I doubt they did it so they could release the Flak-Viper.

So what’s so crazy about the Flak-Viper? His name? Well oddly enough, flaky’s name is so normal that its relatively crazy for the joe line. You see “FLAK” isn’t some awesome acronym describing what he is like everything else in the Joe line (like S.L.A.M., Strategic Long Range Artillery. W.O.L.F., Winter Operational Light Fighting, H.A.V.O.C., Heavy Articulated, Vehicle Ordinance Carrier, and my personal favorite crazy acronym W.H.A.L.E., Warrior: Hovering Assault Launching Envoy.) Nope Flak is just simply Flak which of course means anti-aircraft fire and wouldn’t you know it that’s exactly what Flak-Vipers do.

So name, check. But what else. There has to be more and there is. Just look at our Flak-Viper in all his Grey, Green and Teal glory. Color scheme alone is crazy but to top it off hes wearing garters and Andre the Giant’s one shoulder singlet….I mean what the heck is he trying to prove? Looks more like a video game random create a wrestler then an elite Cobra solider commissioned with the Viper name.

But there is one more bit of crazy that puts him over the top. Our Flak-Viper, as helpfully shown in the picture above, sports two 6 foot (if in scale) rockets strapped to his back. How much maneuvering do you think you could pull off if you were carrying those around with you? I’ll help you, the answer is none. And then he’s supposed to launch the missiles from his back. You know what would happen if he did that? I’m pretty sure he would be dead and that is pretty crazy. Should have just named him the Kamikaze – Viper.

Cap…err…Barricade

An interesting note about Barricade. By name (and armor) you would assume that he was the Joe that made barricades but he’s actually the Joe that breaks barricades using his awesome high powered wall smasher batting ram gun and no I didn’t make that up, its what his spring loaded cannon thingy was called on his file card. In fact his primary military specialty is Bunker Buster. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that’s not an actual military specialty but I could be wrong.

More telling is that his secondary specialty was as the driver of the Badger which is interesting because A- the Badger (a four wheeler, armored jeepy thingy with a cannon seen here) was released the year before without a driver so when Barricade came into the military he decided that in addition to beating down doors he wanted to drive the Badger and B – the Badger was soo ugly (how ugly was it?) it was sooo ugly that it should have been part of the Eco-Warriors line and yet crazy Barricade decided that above all other GI Joe vehicles would be his specialty. Its also revealing because he actually wanted to be a driver of a GI Joe vehicle but couldn’t cut it so they gave him a rocket and told him to go bust down doors and be the first guy in the of fire.   He couldn’t even make it as a driver…I don’t know how to say this but 95% of all vehicle drivers were the worst figures to grace the entire franchise.

But the craziest part of all is not what Barricade did on the Joe team…nope its what he did as part of his side job. Take a look at Barricade there again…remind you of anyone?

How about a certain…

CAPTAIN POWER!!!

No resemblance there or anything right?

For those of you not lucky enough to know, Captain Power was a 1987 sci-fi tv series that was singularly awesome because the toy line actually interacted with the TV show.

Watch this and see if it would have blown your little 1987 mind…

I know it blew mine…and we have Barricade here to thank. Leading mankinds last hope in 2132 by creating the incredible Power Suits to fight off the Bio-Dread army and take down the evil Lord Dread and then bringing said Power Suit back to 1992 and using it to beat down doors for the GI Joe team? Well thats pretty freakin crazy if you ask me…

(Think Mattel has a case to sue Hasbro for his likeness? Captain Power came out a full 5 years before Barricade. Aw who am I kidding…the Captain Power line didn’t exactly fly off toy shelves and Barricade…well they probably only sold 10 of him…)

Firefly & Eels

This is a very special two-fer-one on our top 6 countdown for 1992 because both figures are equal levels of crazy for the exact same reasons. The original version of Firefly and Eels in the 80’s were two of the cooler Cobra figures to grace the line. So it was equally astounding that as part of the 1992 line that they both decided to trade in their previously awesome togs for two of the more hideously neon costume changes of the entire line.

I mean lets follow the thought process of each of our evildoers here.

Firefly: Lets see for years I have hidden in the shadows as the Cobra Saboteur sneaking around and picking off Joe targets at random. But its all been too easy. Time to ramp up the difficulty by trading that in for a new neon green jumpsuit and awesome neon green sniper rifle. Lets see me hide in the shadows with that! Might as well join that crappy ninja force. Oh and even though my entire gimick is that I am the best in the world at precision placed bombs that strike with a surgeon’s accuracy I think I should trade all that in for my new weapon…a spinning blade top that will randomly take out as many Cobras as Joes!!!

Eel: For years we have lurked in the dark waters striking the Joe’s naval fleet down when they least suspect it. I think its time we became the stars of the show. I’m trading that all in for a lovely blue and neon yellow diving suit. Never let it be said I don’t know how to make an entrance. Oh and just so undertow doesn’t get to have all the fun I think I’ll also steal Monkeywrench’s pitchfork gun (shown here) so I too can pretend I’m king Triton of the sea on my downtime. To top it all off I’ll really screw with the Joes and breakout my new rocket firing mechanical shark robot that has a peg on it so I can strap it to my back…BECAUSE THAT MAKES NO FREAKING SENSE!!!!

Senseless neon recolors of previously awesome characters and completely insane accessories…check and checkmate on the crazy game…

Headman

So in 1991 GI Joe had successfully combated the destruction of the environment (or had they? More on that in a sec) with the Eco-Warriors team and ruined the careers of several key Joe team members in the process. So what was left? Well in 1992 the Joe team decided to take on a much more dire thorn in our society’s side…drugs. Now I know drugs are no laughing matter but somebody apparently didn’t pass that memo onto the GI Joe team as they unleashed the heroic DEF (aka Drug Elimination Force, see what I mean about awesome acronyms?) led by Bullet-Proof. The evil part of drugs was then played by the Head Hunters which of course were headed by the evil Headman…I get the feeling that he went through the whole “allow myself to introduce myself” line a lot…

Anywho, aside from the awe-inspiring gold pin stripped suit (ever see one of those before?), sweet devil goatee to beat the evil point home and shocking mismatched hair/facial hair colors the writers of his filecard (was it Larry Hama at this point?) must have had a field day with the crazy stash when they wrote this. Some of my favorite features:

  • He is wearing an “ominous steel mask of obscurity”, “poison-tipped” steel toed boots, a “gangster” dress hat and a “Double-breasted blazer with reinforced protective lining”. (you think thats crazy, his “narcotics guard” the Headhunters came with a “portable drug lab backpack” and a “Aerodynamic hitman protective helmet”. Why they needed an aerodynamic helmet is beyond me. The Headhunters were a special breed of crazy…
  • Like all drug kingpins, Headman has cuff link communicator/transmitters…
  • He is sporting “Drug battle scars” on his face, not to be confused of course with regular battle scars because those are different then drug battle scars.
  • His weaponry consists of a “mega-blast” combat rifle and a “sophisticated armaments launcher system” complete with “high-tech wipe-out missile”. That of course is represented by a giant gold rifle and a translucent red cannon.
  • His file card tells us a fantastic story about how he started his life of crime by mugging old ladies for their Social Security checks and how “Nothing is sacred to him…nothing!”

Forrest Gump summed it up best when he said “Crazy is as crazy does” and Headman is definitely crazy.

 Dojo

In my last article I mentioned that Ninja Force was another in the crazy Joe sub lines but upon further inspection the first wave of Ninja Force wasn’t that bad in 1992. I mean sure Storm Shadow featured a bizarre snow covered black gi design, Nunchuk was the worlds only green dressed ninja, T’Jbang was…errr…named T’Jbang…on second thought Ninja force was pretty crazy I think I have just been desensitized to mild doses of crazy from the Eco-Warriors.  That said Dojo is the only Ninja force member that gets the honor of making the 1992 crazy list  though.

Why?

Well aside from having the loudest ninja outfit of all time (at least in 92) Dojo looks a whole lot more Zorro than Ninja so I think his choice of outfit and facial hair is pretty dang crazy, but what turns him up to 11 is his awesome “real” hair ponytail! (I know in my wussiest joe article that I claimed that Zanzibar was the only joe to feature real hair…well I was wrong. I honestly stopped buying GI Joe around 89 so I didn’t remember Dojo sporting a real hair ponytail.)

Deep Six

My word are we even trying any more? Deep Six may be the most worthless joe of all time. His 1984 figure was more statue then action figure and his 89 figure seemingly had more in common with astronauts then deep sea divers although I suppose the two have a lot in common. So I guess in a way it made sense in 1992 when the Joe team decided…hey, you’ve spent your entire military career breathing recycled air and crampt up in airtight suits so how about joining the ECO-WARRIORS!!!! Of course Deep Six accepted. I mean it couldn’t get any worse for him could it?

Why did I ask that? It can always get worse.

And it did. Deep Six decided in order to fit in with the rest of the Eco goofball team he needed to trade up to neon and that meant a neon green vest, awkward diving helmet and neon pink gloves, tubes, fins and accessories…

But its worse then that….thats right folks…Deep Six also came with…


1992-finback FINBACK!!!

The worlds most bloated/aggressive dolphin. What kind of demented sicko was Deep Six that he decided to take his “highly trained dolphin sidekick” with him into toxic infected waters as part of the eco warriors? Someone call PETA! I bet he was trying to start the teenage mutant ninja dolphins or something…come to thing of it a walking talking ninja dolphin probably wouldn’t have been out of place in the 93 or 94 lines….

Okay I know at this point I have technically featured 7 figures in my 1992 crazy list exceeding my self imposed limit of 6 (I don’t want to OD on the crazy…although Headman might want that…) but there is one more figure I have to add that holds his own wing in the GI Joe crazy hall of fame.

He’s a figure/character that is so crazy that it crossed a line GI Joe could never come back from.

He’s so crazy that I won’t even need to explain him…

He’s so crazy that he killed off the Eco-Warriors sub line because the creator who tried to top it had to be locked up in a padded cell…

So I give to you…

The craziest figure of 1992…

TOXO-ZOMBIE!!!!

Alright I’m not making any promises on when pt 4 of the crazy list will be coming, just know that the 1993 line featured 36 different figures as part of the base assortment and on top of that there were the start brigade, mega marines, more ninja force , dino hunters and if that wasn’t enough they managed to bring Street Fighter II characters into the GI JOE universe?!?!?  Talk about throwing the crazy crap at the fan to see what sticks…

Shoebiz…Lebron 9

If you’re into that sort of thing…here is a pic of the upcoming Lebron 9

I’m not sure whats up with this new trend to make all the key Nike B-Ball shoes (other then the Kobe’s)  higher then the McFly’s but aesthetically it leaves something to be desired in my eyes.  I know the shoe is supposed to feature Hyperfuse construction but it doesn’t look like any of the hyperfuse on previous shoes I’ve seen.  I can see the flywire and “Carbon Fiber textile reinforcement”.  Its also the first basketball shoe to feature Nike Pro Combat interior padding.  Not sure I care for it…seems like the Lebron line has been pretty hit and miss over the years…

As crazy as an early 90’s GI Joe figure…

I think its a generally well known fact that in the early 90’s the 3 3/4″ GI Joe action figure line went off the deep end.  Neon colors and gimmicky sub lines were all the rage but they missed the mark and led to the lines cancellation in 1994. Oh sure, they dabbled around in absurdity prior to 1990 (Neon orange Alley Vipers, Croc Master, Serpentor to name a few) but things got really weird in the 90’s.

I mentioned in my previous article, “The wussiest GI Joe/Cobra figures ever” that the 1990-94 GI Joe figures blew the roof off the absurdity meter and I think that’s an understatement.  Not that GI Joe was ever actually based in reality mind you but looking at the figures from 90-94 it might be a safe bet to assume some Hasbro execs were dabbling in their own unconventional mind altering substances, real life Dr. Mindbenders if you know what I mean.  To commemorate the sheer awful awesomeness I have selected 6 of the craziest figures/characters to grace the line for each year and I’ll be doing one year a day.  Lets kick things off with 1990…when things were just starting to get wierd…

1990

(in alphabetical order, not in their order of craziness…)


1990-bullhornBullhorn

Oh sure, on the surface Bullhorn looks all kinds of normal.  There are no neon colors to be found here, he sports some relative normal looking weapons, a muted military-esque color scheme.  What’s so crazy about Bullhorn you ask?  Oh yeah, dude is named Bullhorn and not because hes as rough and tough as a Bullhorn.  Nope its because Bullhorn is GI Joe’s own “Intervention Specialist” and that of course means that he comes with a giant, megaphone-ish gun of some sorts.  His file card says he is “exactly the type of person needed to negotiate with wackos and fanatics”.  Why exactly do the Joes need someone who specializes in talking people off the ledge?  High suicide rate among the Joe team?

Further inspection of this seemingly normal figure reveals he has some sort of brown substance smeared on his face.  I have to question why an Intervention Specialist carrying a megaphone the size of his leg needs to be dirty or camouflaged to get the job done?  Is he sneaking up on the jumpers and then yelling at them? I don’t think that approach is going to have the desired results…

That all seems crazy enough but look at his accessories one more time.  Notice anything odd?  I’ll help you, Bullhorn comes with a sniper rifle…you know just in case the talking thing doesn’t work I guess he just blows them away….

Captain Grid Iron

Whew, we definitely just ramped the crazy meter up with this guy and I’m not talking about the fact that he’s carrying a 3 ft long laser piston in one hand and a rocket firing, scoped pistol in the other.  Lets just get the obvious out of the way, Grid Iron here comes with a football helmet and three “football grenades”…I kid you not.  What kind of military would go out of their way to craft a “football” shaped grenade?  Is he playing Quarterback Challenge with Cobra’s as the targets or just blowing up his fellow Joe team during friendly games of catch around the Pit?

I can forgive the whole football thing though, after all he’s not the first Joe to come with football themed weapons (see the Fridge) so that alone can’t make him crazy.  But combine that with his outfit and now we are on to something.  I don’t know what exactly the rest of his outfit has to do with the football theme and it doesn’t seem particularly military.  Can anyone explain away the camo hoody and boot covers next to the garish yellow pants and odd forest green life preserver/bullet proof vest looking jacket?

Hold up wait a second…football theme…green/yellow colorway…oh crap…this figure is BRET FARVE!!!!  Dude won’t go away!  I told you this line was crazy…


NIGHT-CREEPER-1990Night Creeper

Night Creeper?  More like Night Creepy if you ask me.  The Night Creepers were supposed to be Cobra’s awesome syndicate of “high tech” ninjas (although high tech ninja seems like an oxy-moron to me) so I’m not sure who in Cobra’s organization decided to dress them in purple camo. They aren’t “Ladies of the Night” Creepers after all…

Maybe if we learn a little more about the character we can make sense out of the color scheme.  Lets see…ah Night Creeper’s served the role of field intelligence and covert ops for Cobra.  Hmm if they are so “intelligent” then why did the let anyone dress them in a purple hood, purple shirt, metal vest and gray/purple camo pants?  And who in their right mind would use a 5 bolt crossbow?  Do you know how long it takes to load a single bolt crossbow?  Now times that by 5.  We are talking one shot every 20 minutes…talk about impractical.

Side note, I think someone at hasbro has no idea what “field intelligence” actually is…seemingly every character who was dubbed as intelligence was just a ninja or really good at karate…(or a female…)

Pathfinder

This will be brief…DUDE HAS A SAWBLADE STRAPPED TO A WEEDWACKER!!!  GI Joe or serial killer from a horror film?  Is that all it takes to be a part of the most elite pretend fighting force America has ever assembled?  A weedwacker with a sawblade???

Outside of that, and a slightly odd color combo on his camo pants that would seem to stick out more than blend in (a reoccurring theme for the 90’s GI Joes) this guy is just a swamp based version of Recondo…even has the same hat…crazy and a little sad…

S.A.W. Viper

You’ll be forgiven if you think that S.A.W. Vipers were Cobra’s chainsaw wielding infantry division.   In the world of GI Joe I question why Cobra doesn’t actually have such a branch.  But no, the S.A.W. stands for Semi Automatic Weapon of course which is infinitely stupider to say then SAW.  Would you tell your friends you just got a job as the new Semi Automatic Weapon Viper or the SAW VIPER!!!

Of course “Semi Automatic Weapon” roughly translates to “BIG A MACHINE GUN” in my Joe to English dictionary.  Seriously that thing is bigger then his entire body (like a tree growing out of your body!).  How much must that thing weigh?   Looking at if from the toy perspective I’m pretty sure he was given a gun from another toy line.  Looks completely out of proportion on our poor S.A.W. Viper

S.A.W. Vipers seem to be a lesson in contradictions from reading their filecard.  They are described as “Heavy Machine Gunners” (wouldn’t that be H.M.G. Viper?) and yet we are told that they will pick you off in the darkness in one shot from 800 yards away…sounds like a sniper but what do I know.  My military experience is mainly gathered from the Joe line so it should hardly be considered accurate.  Of course if you have a gun that big what choice do you have but to snipe your enemy from 800 yards away?  Its not like you are going to be moving around at all…

What I do know, is that you better be packing a  machine gun bigger then your entire body if you are going to go into battle wearing that combo of fuchsia and violet…complete with neon green belt buckle to really set off the whole ensemble.  You pack a gun that big and nobody is going to laugh at your atrocious outfit.  Who’s army is this any way?  Sgt. Pepper?


1990-undertowUndertow

Cobra obviously got a great deal on violet hued material in the 90’s.  After outfitting the Night Creepers and S.A.W. Vipers in head to toe shades of purple they also managed to trim out the Rock Vipers with violet/maroon harnesses over their brown camo (if I wasn’t limited to 6 he’d be on the list too.  I have to stop somewhere) and still have enough material left over to put together a great undershirt for Undertow with the leftovers.  I’m fairly certain Dr. Mindbender was in charge of all costume designs for Cobra in 1990.

But for once, the odd color combo isn’t enough to put him on the crazy list…no the honor for that belongs to his accessories.  Lets see…

Diving mask and oxygen tube…Check

Flippers…Check

Underwater diving sled complete with giant red missile which if fired would likely kill me…check

Awesome trident so I can pretend to be Poseidon, the king of the sea, in my downtime…check

Giant silver barracuda thats as long as I am tall…um…wait…A GIANT FREAKING SILVER BARRACUDA?!?!?

Yes that’s why hes on the crazy list…

Be sure to come back tomorrow as we journey into 1991…the year that gave us the ECO WARRIORS!!! Oh the humanity…its just starting to get crazy…

Jordan Fly Wade – NikeID

A little hit of Shoebiz for your Sunday evening.  I forgot to post that Dwayne Wade’s new Jordan Signature shoe, the Jordan Fly Wade, is hitting NikeID today so feel free to customize to your hearts content.  The only real disappointment here is the lack of any sort of “Columbia” color options on the shoe so I guess no Carolina colorways here.  To get things started I thought I’d post a few colorways I whipped up: